There is no normal it seems to me with COVID19 and the next thing coming, whatever it may be. This week it is protests and violent police response as the dearth of national leadership is again spotlighted.   In my mental health/grief interview with Mark, I talked of imagining fireflies of disappointment, how they keep flickering in our peripheral visions. So many cancellations for ourselves and our loved ones. So much of feeling separate, out of touch, alone.

I was not nervous prior to talking with Mark but then felt so disconnected and exposed afterward.  I thought about Liz Avendano.  I try to pick an anchor person when I am singing in church, in regular times.   One Sunday I had an emotional song and thought, I better choose wisely.  I don’t want to fall apart up here. So, I chose the even, calm, lovely Liz.  When I began to sing, she began to cry.  I loved that day.  I missed not seeing people after my interview for Memorial Day weekend’s grief service.  Just flying out there in the ether: all of the us-ness.  I am missing my church and in the present moment connections. The cookies, hugs, and laughter are vital to me. I am a terrible social distancer.

Despite these sad fireflies, I hold gratitude today for:

• a man named Rahul who opened his doors on Swann street in DC to shelter many protesters of the George Floyd murder from police violence and all of the people envisioning a future free of racism, naming injustice all the insidious ways it shows up.
• being able to counsel people at home via telehealth with my dog Juniper Rose next to me.  One theme emerging in sessions is persons with mental illness not being given the flexibility they need at their jobs to care for their mental health.  They have had hours cut or increased, insurance canceled, and staffing changed.  We need a healthcare system not tied to employment!  With funding for preventative care!
• other CMC members who shared their gifts and thoughts during this time, also flying in the ether instead of affirmed on a Sunday morning.  Kayla is alive and writing beautifully!  Cindy Fath has a hero husband! Laurie Zimmerman’s thoughts on grief especially struck me. The new members’ faith stories! David Emch counseling with me yet so far away in smoke and rain. The high school seniors with their many hopes for futures amid the endless cancellations.
• my eldest son Noah, his wife Courtney and my grandbaby Anthony moving three blocks away from me so I can pop over and play with baby midday!
• my garden which brings me great joy, centering me, regulating big emotions. I lose time in my yard and cannot believe how beautiful it is, repeating myself over and over to whoever will listen; isn't this just so lovely?

Hoping your "gardens and grandbabies" are as lovely as mine to help you through this chaos. Praying for connection and peace.

                                 
                 
           
                                                  Sons + extra son Salim                                                                 Baby Anthony                                                     Juniper Rose